God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to changes the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
The Serenity Prayer has come in handy today as has the phrase “Let Go, Let God”.
The day began on an off note. As Daniela knew, Eileen would be at work this week. This caused her some level of anxiety right from the start this morning. Add to that the fact that we were going to the eye doctor today and she is already very sensitive about her damaged eye. Add in a healthy dose of father-rejection issues with a sprinkling of spending the next week alone with me and … well, you get the idea.
We got the eye-exam done with the wonderful help of Inga via telephone translating. Daniela did not understand why we were examining her eyes; all she wanted was a cosmetic lens so that her left eye would look like her right eye. She seemed to have difficulty with the concept that she would need two lenses, one for each eye, or else her eyes would not match in color. She seemed to expect that she could just go into the store and purchase a cosmetic lens without having to go to the doctor to measure the size of her eye for the contact lens. By the end of the session she had changed her mind about getting ANY contacts. She was done with this process! So done in fact that she completely shut me out and refused to even look at the translator app as I tried to convince her that this was necessary to get the cosmetic lenses she desired.
So out to the car we go; on the way to the doctor she sat in the front seat but on the way back was a different story. She was having no part of me so she grabbed her stuff from the front and sat in the back seat and cried. Cried all the way home. Let me tell you, that was one looooong car ride. I told her in English that I love her very much and hope that we can get past this episode. Then I called in the cavalry, her chaperone, Dace, and explained the situation (she’s crying, won’t talk to me, etc.).
She spent the rest of the day in her room; spoke to Dace again and declined to have dinner with us. She did eat the sticky bun I brought up to her and drink the glass of grape juice. Also wrote her a note asking her what was wrong, explaining that we were trying to give her the contact lens that she said she wanted but if she changed her mind that it was okay. Even offered her a milkshake or a Slushie but she refused.
I prayed a lot today. As frustrated as I was at not being able to spend time with her today I had to turn this one over the God. I cannot break through the walls this girl has erected over her 16 years; the walls that protect her from being hurt from rejection (especially rejection from older males – such as her father). So I prayed that God would somehow whisper to her heart that it is okay to let some light and love in; that she will not be hurt by me; that she can trust me. I think she kind of knows that already in her heart (where the love resides) but her mind (where the fear resides) has temporarily taken her heart hostage.
It is frustrating as I do not know what triggered the anxiety today, especially after a great day of bonding on Sunday. I’m not sure she even knows what triggered this except fear of being rejected … again, anger, low self-esteem, etc. And those ideas are pure conjecture on my part.
So I continue to pray that she will come around and that she will trust that whispering voice she hears deep in her soul. I continue to pray that God will give me the patience to wait, with arms wide open, for her to arrive.