Tonight D and I had a small disagreement and I ended the conversation when it became circular and manipulative.
She told me I was not her mother and should not act as if I was.
She is right. I am not her mother. For me this is the hardest part of loving a child who is orphaned and the parents are alive somewhere reminding her that she is not wanted. I have no place to judge anyone else for where they are in their life, their darkness, their addiction. But boy, it’s really hard to look at this girl and understand why she is where she is.
God has a plan. A perfect one. One that does not cast me in the role of saviour, but servant. Part of the servant deal is that I need to be constant in my response regardless of what arrows might fly past my head, or into my heart, And man this is really hard stuff. I could never have imagined that in such a short time I could love a stranger from half way around the world the way I already fiercely love this kid.
Tonight’s blog is not about the fun and great things we did today, although we had a really super lazy hang around the house day. She hand fed our big dog and made paper people from the dinner napkins. She smiled and giggled and I made tea properly. I don’t know what it’s about except that I am sitting here writing and crying and my heart breaking for this girl. I don’t know what the message is except keep going forward.
That our God loves us…me..her ..us all… just is an overwhelming, undeserved, no other word but Grace with a capital G. When I agreed to be His hands and His feet, I didn’t for a moment think about how those feet walked to His death for us. I just wanted the fun, do good, save the whales kind of walk. You know it’s a spiritual journey…when it really really hurts.
These are the things I learned today about our Daniela:
1. She has allowed herself to become part of our family, she made paper people out of the napkins at dinner and put one out for each of us even Peter who is at camp.
2. She is a very determined young lady, she doesn’t quit.
3. She really really like sweet treats!
4. She will eat portabello mushroom ravioli after smelling it, just like I do, as Phil pointed out.
5. She has twice told us we are not her parents… so we must be doing something right.
We are not alone on this journey. That I know for certain because I read facebook. Seriously, I know without a doubt, God is with us as a family working in all our hearts, stretching us, molding us,pushing us right into the deep end of the pool. SPLASH!