So Tired

I am physically exhausted.  You know how your head feels when you get almost no sleep, that heavy, fuzz-on-the-brain, no-amount-of-coffee-is-going-to-help, type of feeling.

But it goes beyond physical exhaustion.  I am emotionally drained from last night’s run-in du jour  with my son and the ripple effect of that with my wife. So if the cohesion of this post is less than desirable you’ll know why.

He has lots of psychological and physiological trauma issues from his biological parents(particularly Mom) the details of which I will not go into here.  Suffice it to say he has lots of pent-up anger.  Hell, let’s call it what it is … rage.  When he gets into it with my wife he seems transported back in time to when he was a defenseless little boy; all he seems to see is his bio-Mom and it takes some doing to bring him back down.  It comes out in ways that clearly indicate he has not healed from the damage; it is very much a festering wound.  He talks as if and reacts as if he is still with them only now he is much stronger and says things like “If they try it today, they will see!”

So, we struggle to keep him focused on his school work. We persevere in showing him love. We, despite our flaws, continue to reinforce what being a part of family really means.  Sometimes we miss the mark but we plod ahead.  My pastor was telling me yesterday that the most important value a father can teach his son is perseverance; that there is value in seeing something through to the end.  “Never, never, never, never, never give up.” – Sir Winston Churchill.  I’ll be honest … there are fleeting moments when quitting looks pretty good.

So I ran across this interview in my email.  Actually, it came in a few days ago but I am just now getting around to listening to it.  It’s called “Forgiveness of Unforgivable Acts”.  God’s timing is spot on.  The story concerns a woman who suffered familial abuse as a young girl and who suffered rage as a result.  She used that rage to motivate her to “right similar wrongs in society” but the rage was consuming her – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  So she gets an audience with the Dalai Lama and she asks him how he is able to do good works for those who suffer without anger.  His response was unorthodox.  He asks her if she’s been angry long enough; is she ready to let it go; has the luster of the anger worn off?

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”  she says.  I like that. I like that a lot.  I like the whole image of letting go of the image of what the past was supposed to be like and accepting it for what it was.  Not condoning it but just accepting it and moving on with the business of life.
I don’t think my son is there yet but we’ll get there (I hope).  Maybe we’ll listen to this interview together.
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One thought on “So Tired

  1. I’ve always linked my prayers with a sort of meditative state. I relax and contemplate the glories of God. It’s not anything I learned or read it’s just a feeling I had onetime of how I needed to come to grips with things. I had a rage living in me and no one to direct it at anymore.

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