I Don’t Understand

I just have to vent here for today.  I just finished up a post on Presence being present the other day and then … WHAM! I got some news on Saturday that really made me take a step back and wonder if I really have any clue as to what I’m talking about.  Do I really believe what I profess I believe or is it self-delusion?

I mean, I just finished saying how God is there … in the darkness, in the light and everything in between.  Then I am told about a teenager who allegedly commits a heinous act. This teen is a good person, a kind person, a sweet person and I am left shaking my head in disbelief.  I know this because I’ve met this teen. I’ve talked with this teen.  This isn’t just some statistic, some anonymous face, some random number.  I do not understand this.  I am confused and dumbfounded.  How does something like this happen?  I mean, was God taking a nap when this was going on? Was He on another call when this call came in? Did He hit the snooze button too many times? Did this all happen when God blinked? Does God even blink? What? Why?

I don’t like these parts of the Story.  It offends my sense of right and wrong when bad things happen to innocent people, when bad things happen to good people.  It strikes me as patently unfair.  I am not one to think that these things happen because God is “testing” us; I refuse to believe that He is capricious.  Perhaps that is why I have such a hard time with the story of Job as it is written. So I ask “Why?” as I am sure all of us do at some point.3115396317_8c8c812530_o

I don’t have any answers for this and I am sure that I will not find them in this lifetime.  Perhaps mine is not to reason why. Perhaps I just have to have faith in the process of Love.  So, until the time when all will be revealed I will continue walking the walk and I will live with integrity and will do my best to finish the course.  I will continue to do my best to love others.

And I will continue to shake my head sometimes.

Connect the Dots

Yesterday’s writing prompt has me looking to a certain page in a book I am reading and work the third full sentence into a blog post.  Here goes nothing … For a large portion of my life I seemed to have an abundance of self-confidence.  There was very little hesitation when it came to making decisions.  I was all for the risk and the adventure of the unknown.  I dare say, looking back now, that there was an element of impulsiveness combined with over compensation for a desire to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted.  Most of the time everything I tried seemed to work out just fine. Then there came my dark period, 2004 to 2007.  That period had me questioning just about every decision I had to make on a daily basis.  It seemed that no matter what I did it always turned to crap.  Perhaps the self-confident mask just crumbled. Perhaps the inner doubts about my abilities just broke free and boiled to the surface.  There was something in the back of my mind telling me, If you really knew what you were doing it wouldn’t be this hard. By 2007 I couldn’t even buy a clue as to what I should be doing!  I was in uncharted waters and admitting that to myself was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Getting honest with yourself and facing the darker half is never pleasant.ATTFPAOTJTMver3-copy Today, my self-confidence has regained its footing but on much more solid ground.  My need for acceptance by others is trumped (most of the time) by my self-acceptance.  It wasn’t easy, for example, sailing this writing business out of the harbor but I have jumped in and look forward to the journey.  As Paulo Coelho once said, “A boat is safe in the harbor but that is not the purpose of a boat.” Anchors aweigh! P.S. The book I am reading is Always Throw The First Punch by Jonathan Almanzar. You can find it www.firstpunchpress.com